Andrea Dozier Dayton Wedding & Lifestyle Photography

I have about nine minutes left of my due date. Looks like he’ll be a little late.

All day I’ve been a little on edge, very distracted. I have been constantly asking myself why I am so disappointed that this little man hasn’t arrived yet. I should know from experience that it will be soon enough. Still, I find myself restless. Anxious. Grumpy. Impatient. READY.

Earlier this evening I was in the kitchen prepping eggplant parmesan for dinner and I happened to look up and saw Rock & Kevin in the backyard rearranging flowers. Something about seeing them together so content in the golden evening light instantly assured me that I have everything to be thankful for. Every time I see a beautiful moment between them, I just feel gratitude because it wasn’t “supposed” to happen. I ask myself why I have the audacity to say that this baby is “supposed” to be here, when really… there are aspects of our life that I can not take control of or credit for. Even if I wanted to.

All at once I felt relief and peace that I need to quit trying to micromanage fate.

It’s amazing what that little scene has done for my attitude, I hope that I can continue to be patient. Since there is very little time left in my pregnancy, I have been trying to reflect on some of the more positive aspects of the experience. Here are my top ten:

10. The excuse to eat what I want, when I want. Oh how I will miss this…

9. All the random smiles and well wishes from strangers {that mostly came before I started scaring people with my hugeness}.

8. The Expectant Mother parking space at the commissary & hospital {especially finding them open during a busy day}.

7. The nurses at my perinatal appointments, they’ve been really kind.

6. My weekly update about the baby inside me. It’s an e-mail I always look forward to.

5. Shopping for baby. I know I can shop after he’s born, but it’s so fun to imagine what he’ll look like. Part of the fun is just not knowing for sure & daydreaming about him while we’re out. Plus, newborn clothes are so tiny compared to the 5Ts that Kevin wears!

4. Blaming everything on pregnancy hormones.

3. Listening to Kevin talk about his baby “brudder.” Soon he’ll start calling him by name or he’ll figure out how to say “brother” properly, but I love hearing his reaction to this process. He has toys and books set aside that he can’t wait to show the baby.

2. The baby kicking my camera when it’s around my neck. I felt like I had this little friend with me at weddings & shoots before some people knew I was pregnant. I didn’t carry a camera around my neck when I was pregnant with Kevin, so it was something unique to this little man. I will miss his movements, it’s just an amazing part of pregnancy!

1. Shaved Ice. I can’t say I really craved anything the first pregnancy. This time {among many other things}, I’m obsessed with ice! I bought this little manual snow cone maker from Target and I just wish I had done it sooner! Seriously. If it is always summer in Heaven, then I am convinced God will provide endless snow cones. All of my beautiful pregnant friends- this is definitely the perfect accessory for your kitchen this summer! I love them plain, something about the melt in your mouth texture is the perfect cool down fix. Occasionally I add Cotton Candy flavored syrup and it reminds me of pooling together enough change to walk up to the Sno Shak when we were kids. Speaking of, if you have kids, they will LOVE you for having one. ♥

My husband’s orders had been issued. He had been training off and on for several months. He was almost finished with his out processing briefings. We were waiting for his new uniforms to come in so he could get his name & stripes sewn on in time to pack them for the deployment. He was shopping around for a laptop that would sustain a lot of sand & dust. The weeks were slipping away quickly as we inevitably neared the goodbyes. We were praying I’d have the baby before he had to board the plane.

That wouldn’t have happened, I’m still very pregnant.

We had been bracing ourselves for the impact of his absence for months. After everything we did to get ready for this day, it’s hard to believe that he is at work as usual. There is no new laptop. Those uniforms will go to someone else. The plane left calmly without him.

He gets around a little slower with a wheelchair or crutches, but to me, he’s never looked better.

I’ll keep you posted when baby boy gets here… soon I hope! ♥

We played this song at our wedding almost six years ago and I could never dream how rich the meaning would be to me someday:

If there’s anything I’ve learned, in this journey I am on.
Simply truths will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong.
Cause there are questions without answers, and flames that never die.
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise…

I never expected that such an ordinary day could change everything. Yesterday Rock was playing basketball at the base gym and someone {he had never met before} fell on him during a game, hurting his foot. After an initial ER visit we held our breath to see what they would decide to do about his condition.

Many tears later & my brain is still having a hard time computing the last phone conversation I had with my husband. He’s in surgery at the moment because of a ruptured achilles tendon and this means he will no longer be deploying next month. He will be able to meet our son when he is born.

Ever since we received the orders that he would deploy, I’ve been dealing with it and trying to get ready for life without him again. The last time Kevin was two and I had just graduated, so I devoted all my time to raising him alone. I knew that this time I would need to balance my photography business with a newborn and a four year old, so we began making a lot of changes that would help ease the process. Two of the biggest changes we made were finding homes for {our dogs} Delilah & Snowy and moving closer to family. We were both committed to making sure we did everything possible to prepare for the challenges of our situation. But in all honesty, getting ready for a deployment is difficult. You cope the best you can, knowing there are going to be so many things you must do alone when they are gone. We were in the stages where he would begin teaching me how to take care of things that he normally does. He gave instructions as they crossed his mind, “Don’t forget the car needs new tags this September…”

I visualized the next seven months a million times, it’s my way of adjusting to unpleasant circumstances. First there would a painful goodbye. Then, a short time later, I’d be checking into the hospital without him. I hoped we would be able to get word to him when it was time. He helped me labor through the night in Texas, but I promised myself I could do it on my own this time. I already felt the guilt of having the privilege to hold our newborn son, knowing he would not have that opportunity. He would miss the aroma of newborn lotion & the curiosity in his eyes as he would become acquainted with our world. I thought of Kevin, and worried that the separation would affect him much more significantly this time. As I received my weekly e-mails about the baby’s progress, I started to cringe as I saw how close I was to the end. I couldn’t make time stand still.

The most, and I mean, the most I even dreamed of asking for was that the baby would be born slightly early so that Rocky could hold him one time. Even if he had to miss the delivery, I just wanted him to be able to see him in person. I knew that it was almost impossible, so I didn’t count on it.
Now, through an odd, unexpected injury, he is going to be here for everything.

I see him slowly appearing in future mental photographs that he wasn’t supposed to be in… it’s surreal.

Kevin {three months} & Rocky ♥